Hands of Little Shepherd

“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all, they are meant to make you useful in His hands.” – Oswald Chambers

Matthew 5:16 KJV. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven.

James 1:12 NLT. God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love.

1 Peter 1:7 NLT. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So, when faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring much praise and the glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Luke 9:23-24 NLT. “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hold on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

I Samuel 2:1-2 NKJV. And Hannah prayed and said: “My heart rejoices in the LORD; My horn is exalted in the LORD. I smile at my enemies, Because I rejoice in Your salvation.

It has been said that it is impossible to forgive a man who deliberately hurts you for the sole purpose of destroying you or lowering you. If this be true, you have but one hope: to see this unfair hurt as coming by permission from God for the purpose of lifting your stature above that place where formerly you stood. – Gene Edwards

Weight of Words and the Scares of Rejection

Get your stuff and get off this property.

You shitted all over your job.

You slapped God in the face.

All you are going to do is be married and divorced.

I have other estranged family members so it is ok that you’re one of them.

These are the last words you speak before you died.
They are the last words you spoke to someone else before they died.

Words and Actions have a lot of power and weight in each of our lives. We as Christians should be taught the weight of our words and actions. We should be aware and in tune with ourselves and those around us and at times may need to humble ourselves and offer a sincere apology. The words above are one of many conversations that happened in which a professing Christian would say to their employee. How sad it is to see Christians with a bad rap. Through this and other conversations that have happened to me; I have come to understand why people want nothing to do with Christianity or Christians. Have we as Christians lost all respect/feeling for one and other? We are created in God’s image and dearly Loved by Him. If we are living in that, believing that as truth in our heart, then our actions should follow. When we have gone astray, well, things happen, and we hurt other people, God, and our testimony.

Part of my story:

At 12 years old I started having my girl cycle. It would go 3 months and I may get 2 or 3 days off before it would start again. These were heavy flow periods and cramps so bad that I would through up. My dad would say I am lazy and other stuff. From then on I was determined to let nothing stop me. No matter the pain or what was going on I would push on. I had lots of Dr. visits and tests during this time. My blood was drawn 3x or more a week. I saw cancers Dr. for possible leukemia. I walked this time alone. I had no close friends my age at this time. Also, when you are a young girl in OBGYN offices the looks, the criticizing looks you get and the comments people make. BUT THEY JUDGE WITHOUT KNOWING. I am walking through the stress and trauma of the unknowns with this health situation. When one day I made an innocent comment about there being more snow at my house that at the youth pastor’s house. They lived 2 blocks from the church so I figured in 2 blooks it would not be much different. I sensed the youth pastor’s wife had a problem with my comment so I went to apologize in which I was told we would talk later. Two weeks later I was taken into a room, yelled at, undermined, told I could not be trusted, that I was a liar, and many other things. From this event I tried my best to always make sure what I said is the most honest and truth that I am able to know based on what I have seen or heard in each life experience and event or resources avalible. This event played a big role in my life as I now lacked confidence, would second guess myself, and need affirmation to know that I was doing what was wanted or expected…
I believe I have been given these gifts: organization, being observant, driven to succeed and achieve, hard worker with a servant heart, and a heart that strives for honesty and purity. I feel these are some characteristics and strengths God has gifted me with to help me succeed in life. Growing up schooling the normal way was a struggle with my dyslexia. To a lot of people, I am dumb but if you teach outside the box I am just as smart as the normal student. Because of this I take a different approach to helping and teaching others which has made me a person that people have wanted to build their organizations but, in the end, I was not wanted for me a dearly loved child of God. I was not respected or cared about. I was used, manipulated, abused, and harassed time and time again. This was not done by non-Christians BUT professing church going Christians. Not only does this leave a bad testimony for the church and Christians it turns people away instead of bringing them in. I have grown up in the church, I have worked in the ministry, I have worked for non-ministry jobs with Christian owners. At every place I was misused and mistreated. But through it all there is one event that I have held on to as a reminder and a picture of what God has done for us. While at the camp I went through a very rough summer. I feared for my safety after a mistake made by the director. It was very stressful everything that I was having to walk through and deal with. I did not feel I had anyone and felt like everything was out of control. I cut my arms with a bobby pin at least this was something I could control… I remember my supervisor giving a devotional and the next day I went to talk to him and showed him my arms. Instead of judging me and telling me how bad I was he hugged me and told me that him and his wife loved me and so did God. That Sunday at church the pastor had a sermon that related as well and after I talked to him and showed him my arms. He did the same thing hugged me and told me I was loved and that I was a dearly love child of God. This event stands out to me because I have faced sooo much not being wanted or chosen (being rejected) or feeling loved through life that to actually have it shown and by professing Christians the people that have hurt me the most. This was a turning point in my life and when I believe that I choose to follow Christ and believe….

Well fast forward to my time at the farm, one of my previous places of employment. NO matter what you think, or your opinion is. THE FARM WAS MY DREAM JOB! I LOVED IT, THE STAFF, THE ANIMALS, ETC!

HOWEVER! NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT WAS MY DREAM JOB AND I LOVED WHAT I DID; NO PERSON IS DESIGNED TO HAVE TO ENDURE WHAT I WENT THOUGH DURING MY TIME THERE!

Working for nothing I ended up not even scraping by. Going into debt. The Sexual Harassment. The Verbal and Emotional Abuse. Working 12-14+hrs sometimes more 7days a week with no appreciation. Having my job threatened multiple times. Being fired 1x. Being told multiple times to my face that I was only there because one family member wanted me but others did not. Doing things on my own because no one would help me that needed to be done but no 1 person should ever physically have to do by self. Just some of the things I went through. AND then the last day….

Boss is mad. Said I am affecting their marriage. Needs to go talk to the others to see if I should still be there again. Boss again ask this question this time I respond with a different answer then when it has previously been asked to me.

Boss: Is this your job?

Me: No

Boss:

Get your stuff and get off this property.

You shitted all over your job.

You slapped God in the face.

All you are going to do is be married and divorced.

I have other estranged family members so it is ok that you’re one of them.

Almost 3 years of pouring my whole self into the farm because I loved and believed in it. Giving all I had mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. I wake up to a day that would be my last there; not even knowing it. No thank you, No chances to say good bye to animals or other staff. Expected to move on with no closure.

I am going to be really honest here:

If it had not been for my faith in God that night. I would have ended my life. Going through what I just endured for almost 3 years being kicked out with only the items I had no thanks or goodbye. Only these words:

Get your stuff and get off this property.

You shitted all over your job.

You slapped God in the face.

All you are going to do is be married and divorced.

I have other estranged family members so it is ok that you’re one of them.

I understand through my life’s experiences why people do not like Christians and choose to reject the One who can heal. I understand why people feel alone and have no hope and why ending their life seems like the best option.

The weight of your words and actions hurt deeply. Deeper than you will ever know or understand or even care. The damage caused is emences. Yes, I am a Christian and I know God loves me and will provide and take care of me BUT that doesn’t mean I will never have scares. I have received some huge wounds that need care to be healed properly. It is amazing how God has designed the body and how it responds to events, trauma, life, triggers, people, work, etc. My body has suffered emotional damage, and physical damage. The fear, anxiety, etc. that comes with working a job now, interacting with people, etc. To the physical damage of the right side of body slowly shutting down (not working right). Yes, with God’s help, my Dr., PT, Counseling, and Prayers my wounds will heal to scares that will be memories. Those Scares are going to be used to help others heal. Yes, you have caused damage and hurt but I AM AN ACHEIVER, AM MOTIVATED, AND A GO GETTER! I WILL BE USED TO MINISTER TO AND HELP OTHERS FIND HEALING AND HOPE! I know my heart and intentions and leave the farm knowing I have done my ABSOLUTE BEST and have learned so much from life. LIFE IS NOT MEANT TO BE EASY BUT S A JOURNEY. My life is not easy, the journey hard, yet it will be so beautiful. To see how God has taken me, shaped me, and molded me over the years and how He has and is working on my heart, and that is truly and amazingly beautiful.

So, I close with this:

Get your stuff and get off this property.

You shitted all over your job.

You slapped God in the face.

All you are going to do is be married and divorced.

I have other estranged family members so it is ok that you’re one of them.

What if these were the last words you spoke before you died?
What if they are the last words you spoke to someone else before they died?

REMEMBER:

Only one life ‘twill soon be past. Only what’s done for Christ will last.

I have come to realize and understand that even though those words and many others were spoken to me and used to hurt me they are not true of me. I do pray that God will heal what needs healing and attention in your life and mine. And remember: Only one life ‘twill soon be past. Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Blessings,

H.J.C.

CONCLUSION:

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So, when faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring much praise and the glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. – 1 Peter 1:7 NLT

“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all, they are meant to make you useful in His hands.” – Oswald Chambers

Yes a lot of “bad and yucky” stuff has happened to me my whole life. It is my store and through it God has shown me I am one of His Dearly loved children of God. You are too. And I want my story to be an encouragement to you that through the yuck, the bad, and the hard He is by your side, He is carrying you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE YOU ARE A DEARLY LOVE CHILD OF GOD!

Please join me on this journey and in prayer as I purse the next chapter in my life and what I feel God is leading me towards next. As I continue to heal, learn, and grow. I feel that God is training and preparing me to have a ministry that ministers to single mom’s and single teen mom’s although the future is unknown and I can not totally envision how this will look and work out. I have my faith and I take one step at a time trusting and continuing to learn and grow. With my buddy Kaloo (my dog whose name is black in Bengali) we currently go and minister to so many and our free time and are working on adding some other animal friends to do the same as well. God is good and can be trusted it is so beautiful, rewarding, and peaceful when you take that step of faith, trust, and believing and live each day with the knowledge that someone dose love you but not just love you are His Dearly Loved Child!

I Samuel 2:1-25 NKJV. And Hannah prayed and said: “My heart rejoices in the LORD; My horn is exalted in the LORD. I smile at my enemies, Because I rejoice in Your salvation.

James 1:12 NLT. God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love.

Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven.